


Leading Man

by nadiacreek



Category: Rise - Fandom, rise – Fandom
Genre: Closeted Character, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Religion, Roman Catholicism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 03:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13989465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadiacreek/pseuds/nadiacreek
Summary: Simon comes to terms with being cast as Hanschen in Spring Awakening, both before and after his talk with Mr. Mazzu.





	Leading Man

**Author's Note:**

> Simon's interpretations of Spring Awakening and the character of Hanschen are his views, not mine. I tried to get inside the head of what a religious Catholic teenager would think about the show and the character, complete with some misinterpretations and some things that he sees as more black-and-white than gray. 
> 
> It's helpful to have some understanding of the show before reading this fic. If you don't know it at all, I'd recommend watching this YouTube clip of Hanschen's pivotal scene with Ernst from the Deaf West production, which is near to my heart and the best one I can find online. Go take the five and a half minutes to watch, you won't regret it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5ndU5y7gh4
> 
> Many thanks to darrenismydarcy for beta reading this story.

It hurts when Simon doesn’t get cast as Melchior. He tries to be humble when he reads the cast list. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and it’s not even close to the hardest one to avoid. Humility is a constant practice, and Simon thinks he’s pretty good at it. It’s not prideful to think so, is it?

Let’s be reasonable here, though. No other boys auditioned for the play at all. He’s got a good singing voice, decent acting chops, and three shows’ worth of leading man experience. How could Mr. Mazzu pass him over like this? It’s not even the second lead, it’s the fifth. Fifth! He’s being shunted out of view. Mr. Mazzu expects _how_ many other kids to appear out of nowhere and eclipse him?

Humility, Simon reminds himself. He opens the script to take a closer look at the role of Hanschen. He read over the whole thing before auditioning, of course, but he was focused on Melchior. Now he takes a deep breath, offers up a prayer of thanks for this opportunity God has led him to, and focuses his attention on the role he’s been given.

So much about this show is shocking. On his first pass through, he’d focused mainly on the abortion storyline. He worried that his parents might object to the play because of it, but Simon thought the moral was clear enough. The girl dies at the end, and the whole problem could have been avoided by clear abstinence education in the first place. So Simon figures that playing Melchior, even though he was quite a sinner, wouldn’t bother his parents too much.

Hanschen, though, is a different story. He has a love scene with another boy! There’s an on-stage kiss between Hanschen and Ernst! And he sings about being attracted to another boy’s … pants … oh, dear Lord! Simon crosses himself. There are plenty of guys at school who would have no problem kissing another guy on stage, whether they’re gay or straight. But Simon has never dared to even imagine himself in such a situation.

Simon closes the script, leaving his finger between the pages to mark his place. After a moment, the panic subsides and he can concentrate. What would it be like? He shuts his eyes and lets the auditorium appear around him. He’s standing on stage, dressed in one of those suits with shorts, like in _Newsies_ . He sings with the whole company, a rousing round of … whatever the songs in this show are. And then he’s alone on stage with … who could it be? Let’s say George, he was going to be Kenickie in _Grease_ , so maybe he can be convinced to try out for _Spring Awakening_ , too.

George on the stage close to Simon, the audience filled with friends and family and parents. George holding his hand. He leans in close. Their lips touch …

Simon’s eyes fly open. His hands are shaking. His stomach is a bubbling cauldron of lava. To do … _that_ … up on a stage with everyone watching him? It’s impossible. Out of the question. Heck, he’s imagined doing a nude scene (hasn’t every actor?), but _this_ is even worse. He could never face his parents again. They trust him to make good choices, and playing the role of Hanschen is definitely, definitely, _not_ a good choice.

He’ll tell Mr. Mazzu he just can’t do it. That’s the only answer. He can’t do it. If he’s lucky, he’ll get recast in another role. But if refusing to play Hanschen means dropping out of the musical entirely, well, so be it.

He doesn’t finish reading the script. He places it neatly in the corner of his desk, sets his history book squarely on top of it, and then pulls out his pre-calculus homework and sets his attention, his entire self and soul, to calculating polynomial roots.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon rests his elbows on the desk in his bedroom and lets his head fall into his hands. Mr. Mazzu won’t let him quit. Okay, to be fair, he could still quit. He kind of messed up that talk with Mr. Mazzu today. He came in nervous and upset and maybe didn’t really get his point across. He could go back and explain better that he just can’t do this thing.

But what had Mr. Mazzu said? "I believe that Hanschen is _your role_ and that you are going to be amazing."

If he quits now, he’ll be letting his teacher down. His teacher who believes in him. Simon hates letting people down. But it seems like he’s damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t. If he plays Hanschen, he’s letting his parents down. If he quits, he’s letting Mr. Mazzu down. What should he do?

He should pray, of course. He feels calmer as soon as the obvious idea occurs to him. The most important thing is to do God’s will. Simon crosses himself, then shifts his hands into a prayer clasp, elbows still resting on the desktop, and closes his eyes.

Prayer is almost always comforting to Simon. He learned long ago not to pray for specific things he wants. His small childhood desires for birthday presents of dress-up costumes and Broadway soundtracks were the easiest prayers to part with. In middle school he stopped praying for good grades on tests or to be free of the teasing of his classmates. Those trials are part of life, not to be avoided by God’s intercession. Simon is growing up and has greater spiritual wisdom now. So he doesn’t pray for Mr. Mazzu to change his mind and cast him as Melchior or Moritz instead. He doesn’t pray for the show to be switched back to _Grease_ to get him out of this dilemma. He prays, instead, for God to grant him clarity and guidance.

Why has God put Simon in this position? Why was Mr. Mazzu moved to give him the role of Hanschen? What is the lesson he could learn by playing Hanschen? What could he show the audience about the world by playing this role? Or, if there is no good to be gained by playing Hanschen, what is the good that he will do by declining it? These are the meditations that can bring him peace. These are the questions his prayer can answer for him.

“Hanschen is _your role_ ,” Mr. Mazzu said. But Simon is nothing like Hanschen! Hanschen’s a manipulative, indiscriminately sexual snake in the garden. He breaks all the rules and depends on the system to protect him from punishment. He leads others into temptation and destruction while avoiding any consequences for himself. He’s an evildoer. A cynic. A sinner. Simon’s used to playing good guys, or at least ones who are redeemable. What gave Mr. Mazzu the idea that he’d be good at playing someone like Hanschen?

Could he have made some kind of mistake in his audition? Gethsemane is one of Simon’s back pocket songs, always ready for an impromptu performance. It’s inspiring to step for a moment into the role of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and share his moment of anguish before he sacrifices himself to save mankind from their sins. Did he sing the song poorly at the audition somehow? Was he not a convincing Jesus Christ? Or ...

Of course! Simon’s eyes pop open. It was hubris to cast himself as the Christ, and it’s prideful to believe that he always must be a leading man. There are no small roles, as the saying goes, only small actors. And sometimes there’s as much to be learned from the supporting characters as from the lead.

It’s no sin to portray a sinner on stage. Someone has to play Judas Iscariot in _Jesus Christ Superstar_ , and the man who does so shows the audience how wrong it is to doubt and betray and sin. Hanschen, too, is such a role. By stepping into the shoes of this conniving, sinful teenager, Simon can lead the audience into an understanding of why such behavior is wrong. He wasn’t cast in the role because he’s _similar_ to Hanschen. He was cast in it precisely because he’s so different! His knowledge of right and wrong will shine through and enhance the role on stage.

Simon giggles a little bit, giddy with relief. He doesn’t need to let anyone down. His parents might still have concerns, but if he approaches them with respect and deference, he’s sure they’ll come around to his point of view. And he understands now why God has led him to this role. He understands that the leading man isn’t always the best position. There’s so much he can learn from playing Hanschen.

Simon folds his hands in prayer one last time and gives thanks to the Lord for showing him the way.


End file.
